Death

I am supposed to write about my Phuket trip but I change my mind after having a conversation with an ex-colleague, K, also a friend of mine.

I've heard the news quite some time ago through another ex-colleague whom I borrowed the VB.Net book from her. Speaking of the book, gosh, it's still sitting somewhere on the bookshelf. Heh! We did a super quick catch up that night and she told me things were not going well for K. K's parents were involved in an accident and were injured badly. I was in shocked and asked how did that happen and was only told K's mum was not in an appropriate form to drive. At least, I was also told they survived and it was a relief to hear that.

Today, I got an update from K that K's dad actually passed away few months back while K's mum is not exactly in a healthy state. My heart dropped when I heard that. I really didn't know what to say. And I didn't think I was in any position to console because I didn't think I was qualified to do so. I've never lost someone closed enough to me and I hope not any time soon. Nevertheless, I could feel K's pain. I really could. And I know words like, "Stay strong and you'll be fine." will not help. Instead, I told K I was really sorry to hear that. Being someone who was close enough to K during my short period with K as colleagues, I dare to say I know K quite well. A happy-go-lucky person who seldom loses his/her temper. Not even showing his/her moodiness but always come to the office with a smile as bright as the sunshine and making jokes whenever possible. And me on the other hand always pulling my long face because I got annoyed at times with K's silly attitude. But all in all, K is a good person who will keep smiling eventhough sad or unhappy incidents occured to K.

I could still remember the day when K told me the plan of getting the Ogawa massage chair for the dad together with the siblings chipping in. That was Father's Day of 2 years ago. I also remember feeling envious because I wanted to give that to my dad too but my kacang putih salary was just enough to get me through my daily life. Eventhough the period was short for me to be with K, I knew quite a little bit about K's family as K loves to yak about anything and everything. Now, the massage chair no longer serves any purpose not even to K's mum as she is now suffering a spine fracture. Btw, it wasn't the accident but it's cancer who took K's dad away. Well, I don't feel like elaborating anymore. The thought of the K buying the massage chair put tears into my eyes. The most heartbreaking sentence I heard from K was, "I was there to see him from he could talk, walk and eat until the day he could not talk, walk and eat."

If one day you are caught in a situation like this, would you choose to end your life in order to end the suffering or fight for it and ask the cancer to go to hell like Azean Irdawaty?

For me, I...
I...
I......
I really don't know. Previously I would have answered "fight for it" straight away without thinking but deep down inside, I knew clearly that my aunt gave up because the treatment was too unbearable for her. I have a second thought now.

All I can say for now is, life is fragile. Sometimes, knowing that conciously doesn't seem to help me to help myself to live my life to the fullest because I do not know what "fullest" defines. How do you define "fullest"? Partying all night long till dawn or drinking until your liver tells you to stop? I don't know. The only thing I know right now is, death is not scary. Death is absolutely not the worst nightmare. The scariest thing is not seeing your loved ones ever again and not being able to share the happiness. And that's the darkest of all.

p/s: Is it true that people say those who died in a peaceful way are those whom God loves more? How about those who died in a tragic way? Is that a form of punishment from God?