Would you, if you were me?

When I was in Standard 6, my BM teacher, Pn. Pauzi asked this question: Lain kali siapa yang nak sambungkan pelajaran di luar negara? Everybody in the class raised their hand high except me and another girl that I've forgotten who. During that time, I was so sure that I wouldn't want to further my studies overseas when I have the opportunity. Come on, which 12-year-old would want to think leaving their parents one day, right? Especially one like me who melekat & melekit all the time.

Today, things are different. People grow and their mind changes all the time. That include me, obviously. Learning people whom I've known had left the country to further their studies sometimes got me envious. I question myself; why didn't I do it when I've got the chance? I could have continued my Advanced Diploma in college and left the external papers out so that I could go to UK. Even for a mere 3 months in UK and not years, why not? SO, YEA. WHY NOT?

Well, I just couldn't at that time. Being the youngest doesn't get me anywhere I want. So stop thinking that the youngest gets it all. I chose to continue in Uni because I didn't want my dad to struggle and strive so hard anymore. Things would be different if I were the eldest in my family. At least, my dad would still have the time frame to earn again which was what he actually did for the rest of us. He's not getting younger in any day. If I were to insist to continue my studies in UK, no doubt my dad would allow me to do so. But, what's the point of me coming back after graduation with his shoulders are bearing all the loans and debts just because of me? Don't forget, we have to x7 for the pounds. This would be unfair to him. He has worked so hard all his life to make sure he has provided enough for the family. It is really the time for him to enjoy his life right now with my mum. I'm glad I didn't make that decision because it's happier this way. At least, mum and dad can go for holidays nowadays rather than saving up to pay for my loan. And the coolest part is I can tag along ;) It's a win-win situation, right? Heh!

All my bros had the chance to study overseas except for me. I might be jealous during that time but come to think aboout it, there's nothing to envy in the first place because they are all my bros. Blood and flesh.

I take things as they come because I believe everything happens for a reason. Good things especially will come to those who wait. But you know, good things must always come to an end as well. Sometimes I wonder, if I chose to go overseas, would my life still be the same as now? Would I still encounter people that I've known now? As much as I hate the bad or sad things that happened to me, I would not have met GebuDebu if I never choose to go down this road. I can't tell you how great he is because he is never great but he is the best thing that ever happened in my life for now.

To be honest, I had 2 very miserable failed relationships in the past. You know how people always act the best when they are trying to go after you? And do you know what's the worst feeling? Being the person who discovers day after day he is not someone you used to know. That's when I'd throw the towel. Like you go and buy DVD, the seller told you super clear one only come back to find out full of human heads and shadows. One word. DISAPPOINTED. I'm sorry but I have to say, till this day, I still think my 1st ex is too childish for his age. Perhaps, this is what insecure guy does most. May God bless him, anyway. For my 2nd, oh gosh, he is SO by-the-book type. You know, like A is A, B is B and C is C... The most incredible part was when he talked to me using exactly the same words I spoke to him. *bangs head on the wall* I admit, I'm really bad in handling situation like that. At least, for now I don't have to repeat the same thing twice or thrice because I know there is one person who understands instantly. Not the charming one. But the one who behaves and stays exactly the same from the first day I get to know him.

Things I've said might sound simple and would seem like no obstacles at all but trust me, it has been more than that. Not only particularly in relationship but other matters in life as well. Friends, family, people I've met, work, study, the transition and changes. God made me went through things like that. There's always obstacles ahead. My life was never a smooth one not even until today. I don't have that kind of luck certain people own. I've been a wreck but I know when to stop and stand up again. I believe, those were tests to shape who I am today. To be humble always, stay firm on the ground and thankful for what I've got.

Back to wondering, would things be similar if i had chosen the other path? What if I were given a chance to choose again? If I could, would I?

Hmmm... I'd love to experience a different thing but the answer is NO. I don't want to be the one who enjoys the best thing in life, partying day and night while leaving my dad at home working like a bull to support my gala life there. NO WAY. Not in my second life. Like GebuDebu said, mati and then hidup balik also never! Nevertheless, if I have the time machine to go back, I'd want to make minor changes on certain things. Things that happened in the past. And if only I could prevent some deaths...

Seems like I've written too much today. To me, it's never good to expose so much of my inner thoughts which I consider as private because it makes me feel unsafe. But there's always an exception, right? :) Anyway, to those at the office, thank you for reading. Now go back to work :p