O.U.T.SO.U.R.C.E

It has been a while since my last post. I've "detached" myself from my own blog due to things that should first come in my life. I've not been seeing people whom I used to see often. I've not seen people whom I last saw 1 year ago. Better not start with those I haven't seen in ages. I miss a number of people who are close to me; family (the one that will always be in the context), 2 naughty girls (weekends used to be NOISY with cries, cries and more cries. now that it has been a quiet and peaceful place, i start to miss those noise. goshhhh) those whom i felt i could speak to and sincere, and those who needed me to be there for them. Most of all, that particular one person that keeps appearing on my mind. :) I know that I've been spending less time with people around me and i sincerely apologise if i've neglected anyone of you. At the mean time, I just have much more important thing to attend. And oh, the second reason is someone in the family had found out my blog. *gulps*

Time used to crawl, well for me. Back then, when I was still working in the office, I would constantly glance at my wrist watch and quietly asked myself “When is it going to be 5.30pm?”. Sometimes, the bugs were too unbearable and I had to get up and hid myself in the toilet hoping that would kill some of the time. Today, i no longer behave the same. Instead, i'm praying for a miracle that a day would be more than 24 hours. Give me like 30 hours and i'm happy. Yes, i have so much to do yet so little time that i'm starting to get sick with the never-ending workloads.

While organizing my old IT outsourcing notes, i found these:

.: Yes, i can :.

.: Yes, i still can :.

.: Then why did you give birth to your child? :.

I guess anyone who has a super-demanding-freako partner who seems to stick like Elephant glue should outsource their relationship. ;p

Till the day i see you again :) IMU

Goodbye to my mentor

It was already mid semester. One Friday evening, as i stepped into the hall, i noticed many of the seats were empty. Nobody bothered to attend the last session of the week including me but i made it a point not to skip any session more than 3 times. Then my eyes spotted my kaki mengumpat sitting on one of the seats located at the right row. I proceeded to her place and sat right next to her. As muka menyampah was helping to set up the projector, he realised he needed something to support that piece of hardware in order for the visual to be displayed in a view where everybody could see. Then, he had the courtesy to approach me to borrow my pink folder eventhough he knew exactly how much me and my kaki mengumpat loathed him and we tried hard not to interact with him if there wasn't any life or death issue involved. I didn't really understand why he didn't use the one lying on his table. Do you call this kind of person selfish or stingy? Oh well, being the generous one, i lent him after i took my essentials out from the folder. It was when i got back to my seat, only i realised i needed some blank papers. I got up and reached for my folder which was already under the projector. Suddenly, i heard a voice...

"Are you from this course?"
"Yea."
"How come i've never seen you before?"
"Err, i have no idea. Perhaps you never notice."

After I took a few sheets of paper, I headed back to my place. The session ended after 2 hours.

Things started to change the following week. During all the previous sessions, i was like any other ordinary follower, being invisible to the eyes of the preachers. However, the moment i saw him again, i felt that i was given a little bit of attention. He smiled when he saw me. It was nothing good to be recognised because the only thing you would get was trouble. Kaki megumpat agreed but there was nothing much i could do to erase his memory.

Sometimes he would shock us all by asking a question out of the blue related to the topic he was preaching. Most of the time, he would simply pick someone in the hall to answer his question. After that week, when i was already in his memory repository, kaki mengumpat wished me luck. I prayed for the best that he would totally forget about this nerd-looking follower. During the next session, when the Q&A part arrived, instead of looking at his face, i tried avoiding by looking straight to the front and also looking at the notes on my table. It didn't help. My nightmare came when he pointed exactly at me. Imagine approximately of 120 followers with 240 eyesballs were actually looking at me with their heart whispering, "Haha, congratulations!", "Oh my, luckily it's not me", "Ok, who's the unlucky victim this time?". I have to admit that although i looked as if i was listening attentively to all the preachers all the time, 95% of it i could guarantee that my soul and mind were wandering elsewhere. Kaki mengumpat knew this fact of mine very well. I couldn't remember whether i provided him an answer or not because everytime if i was caught under this kind of situation, I would tell the preacher politely, "I'm sorry. Can you please repeat the question? I don't really get it." in order to create time for kaki mengumpat to point out the answer for me. In any worst case scenario where kaki mengumpat was also daydreaming, I would just go, "I'm sorry. I still don't quite get what you are asking." :D

He did the same thing a few times and stopped when he finally realised i was sitting far far away at the corner of the hall in the coming days. He even knew exactly on which day i've skipped his yawning-session. "I didn't see you last Friday." Great.

As the time passed by, we started to speak more to each other, as in the preacher-follower kind of talk. I could see that he wasn't well-liked by majority of the followers because of his accent and the way he carried himself. After all, i was sort of the few ones whom he actually could understand. A very language-particular man i would say. Friends were surprised when they saw him talking to me. Some even joked that, well, you know, the usual stuff. Jokes remained jokes. I tried not taking it personally because i knew the truth. Overall, i had a good preacher-follower relationship with him.

I didn't think i would see him again after the ceremony, like ever, but fate brought us back together? Hah, this doesn't sound good, like i'm having an affair or something like that. Anyway, i had an issue to deal with and he helped me out. He helped me a lot more after that. I really appreciate each and every single effort he had put in to help me and Melur to get to where we are today. I knew he would be leaving one day but i never thought it would be so soon. I no longer cry over things that i'm afraid of or in a situation where i'm caught dead. I only curse, curse and curse under my breath when i encounter those bad moments. The only time i will consider dropping my tears would be something that can actually thrust my heart real bad and cause me feel the pain. When Melur said, "Starting from next week, there will be no longer Mr.Him in this place.", instantly I felt millions of needles prickling my heart. We both felt the lost.

0750 hrs: He was already taking his flight to somewhere. The thought of not seeing him again and bugging him in his room made my eyes teary. I've dissapointed him once and i'm not doing it twice. I promise, by hook or by crook, i'll complete it. I really hope he will be back for my second ceremony. Till then, i wish him luck in whatever he will be doing. Goodbye, my mentor.

Overload

If any other day is to be like yesterday, i'd rather die. Hmmm...

The edge of losing sanity

I woke up this morning feeling confused because the day seemed so bright. I felt that something was not right. Before i could lay my feet on the floor, I had one of the biggest shocks in my life when my eyes caught the wall clock. Another 5 minutes to 10am, it said.

"NOOOOO!!!
NOOOOO WAYYY! NOOO!!!!!
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

My heart dropped. I stared blankly at the wall clock. I was stunned for a few seconds before my clogged brain could actually direct me on what to do next. When i realised what was happening, i started to feel panic. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't flow. Since there was nuthin much i could do to help the situation, i started to curse.

It's FRIDAY and i cannot be up any later than 8am.

I cursed myself for relying too much on my mobile phone.
I cursed myself for not setting up the alarm clock.
I cursed myself for cursing too much.

If Haji Taib was around, my day could have been saved. I smiled when i found out that Haji Taib thought about Ungu. (provided that Ungu actually refers to me. hehe)

And oh, the luck didn't stop there. While i was entering my car, stepping my left foot in...

*cracking sound*
"NOOOOO!!!
NOOOOO WAYYY! NOOO!!!!!
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

I really had no idea how could it be lying on the floor mat. I picked up the broken pieces. I closed my eyes with my left palm and told myself, "Be patient. Today is not my day. This week is an unlucky week. I might have to bear for the whole month if the bad luck follows. Breathe." I took a deep breath after that and proceeded on what i had to do. My sunglasses are now officially a history to me. By the way, it's not an ordinary pair but a pair with power for blind people like me.

It's only Wk1 and i've piled myself up with workloads and pressure. Yay! Let's see how strong those shoulders and legs are. What a great week to start a new semester. And that i haven't even touched on the stories about my new batch of moronic students YET! :/

p/s: Should i sing Daniel Powter's Bad Day or The Veronicas' When It All Falls Apart? Hmmm... I think i'll just sit back and relax AND THEN read that SKM journal. Work has to be done and life has to go on. And no, i do not need any kind of sympathy from you readers. Thank you. PERIOD

People of all kind

Things are turning bad. I can sense that. Selfish people pissed me off completely today. I think the limit of my patience to certain people will not hold any longer. I'm very mad. I hate those who simply chuck their responsibility to the others. I hate those who take advantage of my personality. I hate it even more when i'm the one who will be cleaning up some idiots' mess. And most of all, I hate myself for not saying "No". I really hate myself for doing that. This will be the first and the last time i'm gonna help those assholes. Go to bank, emergency case. F*ck you larh! Don't give me 1001 cockbull's shit excuses. Real reason: Too tired, holiday overseas, resting in hometown.

One, two , three
Breaaaaaaatheeee... Fuhhh~
Breaaaaaaatheeee... Fuhhh~
Breaaaaaaatheeee... Fuhhh~

*****


Recap:




.: Others call it the evil chocolate mud cake. I call it the expired chocolate mud cake :.






.: The annoying twosome :.






.: Don't stir us two :.




.: He's gonna be a superstar one day. Trust me! :.
- Has a band called Semi-Gifted where he plays the drum. Also in a duo group called Emergency. Famous in his community. Check out his poster at Brickfields (if it's still there). Album had been sold for err, forgotten how many copies. *Ahem, mana District M?*





.: Food that makes you lose your mind :.




and FINALLY
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The Big Family

L-R: Shannie, Izzan, Stella, Me, Vincent, Min, Azam, Jessi, Yasmin

Behind the camera: Sashi & Audrey

Today's the day

365 days have passed. Exactly one year ago, i officially stepped into the real working world. Yes, it was 1st of June 2005 when i was appointed as a programmer. I was only 21 and barely 22. Back then, i knew exactly what it was like to be featured in the rat race. I knew what the world was like out there. But then again, i tried to deny. Why? Simply because i have to live in that world one day whether i like it or not. I pushed the negative thoughts aside and brought the positive ones in. It was sort of like a motivation to myself, to keep myself moving on. Somehow when i was floating in the middle of the big ocean, i found myself lost. I couldn't see any shore. I didn't know where i was heading as there weren't any signs to show. I felt that i've completely lost my aim and my goal. Before i graduated, getting a degree was what actually motivated me to stand up everytime i fall. After i have my scroll with me, what's next? I mean, i didn't want to drive a big car, i did't want to own a big house, i was happy with my pay, plus i wasn't crazy for power and status. Seriously, it was a dead end. I was completely clueless. I did what i have to do and took on my responsibility. Unfortunately, in this cruel society, people expect MORE. They want you to do things that cannot be done by a person alone yet they are going to pay you peanuts for it. So, tell me. Why would i stay when i get everything the same plus i have my own extra personal freetime to at least bring my mind back to a normal state?

Working sometimes can really drive a person insane. Don't tell me office job is easy just because you sit there the whole day and la di da. Try it and you'll wish this is not part of the life process. Well, unless you are smart enough to eliminate the invisible pressure. But i can tell you, it'll be ongoing.

There were tonnes of reasons why i left the company. In fact, for the first time, i went against my parents to make my own decision. I knew they were unhappy. To them, job trotter will end up nowhere. But hey, that's what happening today to all the fresh graduates. You need to find something you like to do only you can last longer, right? You can't just simply take a lime as a substitute just because you can't have the lemon. Just that they both taste almost the same, it doesn't mean they are the same.

The culture, the people and the language. They didn't suit me.

Culture - Very conservative (old fashion? hehe). Few weeks back, one of my close buddies said that i have the orang putih attitude after i've told her what's going on with my current life. Guai mui, she called me. But i can tell you, i'm not the extreme type yet not on the too conservative side either. I'm just at the right dose which is in the middle.

People - Bad. Trust no one in your company. I can go on for this topic until the doom's day but no, i'm not going to do that. Experience it yourself ;) Anyway, i count myself lucky because everywhere i go, i manage to set up a "circle trust" (HJ & SL's idea). This circle only allows people whom i feel comfortable to open up with to come in. In fact, i have a few circles which created according to the chapter of my life and i'm really glad that i met those people :) I can't stand fake people and i hate being betrayed especially friendship. "If you can't beat them, join them instead!" - screw that sentence. I'm not going to the dark side.

Language - Limited. I know you feel much more comfortable speaking your mother tongue to the people who share the same race but then think again. Don't you want to improve the language you are weak in? Sadly, some people would rather stay in their own shell. During my schooling years, i used to speak at least 3 languages per day. I've even taken my chance to improve my Mandarin which was enrolling in a majority-consists-of-Chinese college. Kekekeke. Today, i can proudly say, after 4 years of polishing, i improve from a 5% to a very good whooping 85% of speaking Mandarin. Scold me and i will not hesitate to scold you back in that language. But damn it, I have no idea why i still do not understand those Taiwanese shows. I can't seem to catch what they are saying. They speak Bahasa Cina baku, is it? Or because of their accent? I really have no idea and that's why i don't watch 'em. I've gained throughout those years but I pity those who can't seem to perfect their Cantonese or English. Why? Because whenever they open up their mouth, it's Mandarin. They never really put their effort in to learn, plus they do not seem to be interested. No driving force. I can see many are suffering when they enter the working world. Boss speaks English. Colleagues speak Cantonese. You speak Mandarin. In the end, you end up mulut basi because you can't communicate. Reason: Language barrier. You know what? It's not a good thing to thrash my own race or any other races. But for those who know that you are doing something not right, why not correct the mistake today? English is always the universal language. Pick up that copy of newspaper today and start reading.

I remember when i was standing strong on this point of view of mine regarding the language issue, a friend actually said, "What if China dominates the world one day?" I was like "heh?". This friend of mine, he, himself is actually a "banana" like me but i so wanted to stuff 10 bananas into his mouth that time. So? Even if China is going to dominate the world one day, it's not goin to happen in a day or two, right? Let's say 20 years or maybe i give them 10 years to be successful on the mission, i still have nothing to lose. I can still speak both the languages. And most of all, you do not want to look back and regret that once being looked down by a salesgirl who realised you didn't know how to speak decent English just because you didn't cherish the chance you had to learn.

I think i better stop before i write a 10-page long of crap. Met up with a few people earlier today that i've met one year ago. ;) If today you ask me to be a programmer again, i'll seriously tell you to program my ass so that every fart will smell as nice as DKNY Be Delicious or perhaps Body Shop Kistna ;D

*awwwhh, i feel my BM so karat after the previous post.

.: That building lorrr :.

.: Server menyampah. Khong pi saja larh. MSSQL is not stable but still so stubborn wanna use it. Sheesshhh :.

.: Good feng shui. Eh-he :.